Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) Read online

  “Then why would you drop out of school? This is exactly where you are going to end up if you do that. You are going to have to find someone to support you. And if that person decides to leave and you have nothing outside of them, then yes, this is exactly where you will end up. Living whatever kind of life you can manage. And you won’t have a choice. If you don’t make your own life then all you can do is hope that whatever man will have you has a life worth living because you don’t have your own to live.” Lydia’s voice is on a steady incline and she is shaking as she speaks to Jessa. I’m staring at her in shock. What the hell is going on?

  Lydia stands and walks out of the room and Jessa just stares at the now unoccupied chair for a few moments before getting out of hers and glancing at me. “You should go, Pax,” she tells me with no emotion as she goes to track down her mom.

  Jesus. This is not where I saw this conversation going. I sit back in my chair and wait. I’m not leaving her. I’m gonna be up her ass for the rest of her life.

  I can hear Jessa’s voice coming from wherever they disappeared to. I can’t hear anything out of Lydia and eventually Jessa is silent too. But then Lydia starts screaming and possibly crying. “Shit,” I mutter to myself, standing and going to wait in the doorway. The women go on like this for a few minutes, Lydia’s getting louder and Jessa’s getting lower each time they speak. There is another long silence and then Jessa appears in the hallway, looking pissed off. She walks right past me, heading through the kitchen. I follow her into the mudroom where she throws on her shoes and grabs some keys off a hook. I step into my boots and follow her and when she gets behind the wheel of her mom’s minivan, I get in the passenger seat.

  “Please, Paxton. I want to be alone right now,” she tells me, hitting the garage door opener and shifting the van into reverse.

  “I’m coming with you,” I tell her.

  “Pax, I’m serious. I need a minute. Please get out of the car.”

  “Just ignore me, okay. I’m not getting out.”

  The door to the house opens then and Lydia appears.

  “Damn it, Pax,” Jessa mutters, but she backs out of the garage and down the drive way. I watch as Lydia walks out of the garage looking wrecked.

  Jessa drives out of the neighborhood in silence. I reach over and touch her leg, expecting her to tell me to remove it, but she doesn’t even seem to notice. I sit back in my seat and watch her out of the corner of my eyes. Her face is blank but then I see a tear roll down her cheek and my chest tightens. I reach over and run my thumb across her skin, clearing it away. She flinches away from my touch. “What’s going on?” I ask her.

  Jessa just shakes her head.

  “Tell me what happened.”

  Her eyes flash to mine for a millisecond. They are filled with rage. “You shouldn’t be here,” she tells me. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed away, huh? I mean, do you see her? Do you see what she has turned into? How pathetic she is? She’s been like that for seven years. She’s lost seven years of her fucking life. And she’s right – I’m her. The life I despise, the life that I have tried to make damn sure never becomes mine… she’s right. I’m here. That is my life. Five months, I’ve been with you for five months. And look at me, I’m already heartbroken and have lost all of myself to you. I’m ready to quit living and move back to this fucking town. Get a job as a damn waitress. Why couldn’t you have just stayed away? Why did you have to come back to Chicago?”

  “Jess, what are you talking about? Why are you heartbroken? I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’m in love with you, I’m never going to stop being in love with you. You are never going to be her.”

  Jessa pulls over on the dirt road that Emily and Jason live on. She puts the car in park before ducking into her arms and covering her face. I reach over the council and pull her out of her seat. “Don’t, Pax,” she tells me, her hands clinging to the steering wheel. I reach over and unlatch her fingers before pulling her into my lap and cradling her in my arms. Her head is still ducked but it’s resting on my chest now. “Why are you always trying to convince yourself I’m gonna stop loving you? Why are you always trying to make this so hard?”

  “I love you, Pax, but I can’t do this. I’m not doing this with you.”

  “Tell me what you need from me, beso. I will do anything for you. What do you need?”

  “I just need you to go, Pax. I need you to stay out of my life so that I can forget.”

  “What are you talking about? That’s never gonna happen. I’m never leaving you. You’re not making any sense, kid, and I swear to God if you don’t start telling me exactly why you think you are leaving me, I’m gonna lose it. You’re making me feel like I’m crazy.”

  There is a knock on the window. I ignore it, but Jessa raises her head and looks. “Oh shit, what are they doing here?”

  I look over and see Emily’s face peering into the window. Danny is standing behind her holding onto their dog’s leash. “You’re on their road, kid.”

  Jessa turns and looks out the front window like she has no idea where the hell she is. Maybe the girl really has lost her mind. She opens the door and climbs off of my lap. I throw my hands on top of my head and shut my eyes. “Paxton, thank God you’re here,” I hear Emily mutter.

  I open my eyes and get a good look at Em. I can’t help but smile at her. She’s my girl. She and Jessa were a package deal when I first rolled into this town. I loved them both. I step out of the van and wrap Emily up in my arms, bending down to kiss her blonde hair. She holds tight to me and then I release her. “How’s it going, Em?” I ask her.

  She gives me a tight smile, “Great,” she tells me, pivoting her body to block Jessa and Danny. She makes her eyes all big at me like she’s trying to ask me a question. I would like to ask her a few questions myself. Emily’s penchant for bullshit is slim to none. She’ll tell be what is going on. She knows whatever is running through Jessa’s head is bullshit.

  I give her a slight nod, then turn to Danny, extending my hand. “Hey, Paxton,” he tells me, his eyes looking at me with suspicion. Danny’s a cool guy, but completely unreadable and too fucking responsible and mature for a guy our age. But he makes Emily happy and he held his family, which includes my friend Jason, together so I don’t have anything against him.

  “It’s good to see you, man. How’s your little brother doing?” I ask about Jason. Things were pretty icy between me and the Donovans the last time I was here because of that shit Jason pulled, but I can’t not ask about the kid.

  “Jason’s doing great. A totally different kid,” he tells me.

  “Yeah? That’s good.”

  “You gonna be in town for a while?” he asks me.

  “That depends on Jessa,” I tell him, turning my eyes to where she is standing with Emily who is angry whispering at her. I gotta get Emily alone. “I’m going when she’s going, so who fucking knows.”

  “Stop in and see him if you have a chance. He and Emily are obsessed with your band. He’d love to hear about it.”

  “No shit, huh?”

  “Yeah. I’ve had to sit through a couple of YouTube videos myself.”

  “YouTube videos?”

  Danny narrows his eyes and gives me a lopsided grin like I’m an idiot. “Anyway… if you have a chance.”

  “Definitely. I’ll stop by after I figure out what the hell is going on with my girl,” I tell him with a poignant stare.

  “Don’t look at me, man. I stay far away from all of that shit. I do know that I’m being kicked out of my own home at least once a day and that I had to sleep away from Emily last night so that those two could have their ‘girl time’. So yeah, figure it out. I’m not spending a night away from her again,” he says like it’s my fault.

  “I need to talk to Emily. Alone.”

  He chews on the inside of his cheek like he’s trying to find a way to make that happen. “Why don’t you guys just come hang out for a while? I’m sure I can drag Jessa away at some point.”


  I nod at him. “Let’s go, beso,” I tell Jess.

  “Go where?” she says defensively, like I no longer have the right to ask her to go with me.

  “We’re hanging out with your friends before we get outta here tomorrow. Let them walk their dog home and we’ll meet them there.”

  “I’ll walk. The keys are in the ignition.”

  I head around the van, stopping when I’m by the girls. “You want to take a ride, Em?”

  “Sure,” she says eagerly, heading to the passenger side. Jessa protests, but as soon as Emily is in the car and has the door shut, I pull away.

  “She won’t tell me what the hell is going on,” I say, knowing that Emily and I are both trying to get to the same point as soon as possible.

  “She’s being ridiculous. I love her, but she’s being stupid. It’s your ex-girlfriend, Pax… Stella.”

  “What?” I ask, turning my pissed off expression toward her. I’m already at the Donovan’s driveway and I can see in the rear view that Jess and Danny aren’t far behind.

  “She knows that you’ve been hanging out with her. That you were at that bar with her and that she was at your show.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t she just tell me that? Why can’t she just ask me what is going on so I can fucking explain. Since when is she someone that’s gonna hold shit back?” I ask her, slamming the van into park- watching Jessa approach from behind.

  “She won’t forgive me if she knows I’m talking to you about this. You can’t bring it up, but you have to fix it, Pax,” she tells me before opening the door and stepping outside. “You don’t still love that girl, do you?” she asks under her breath, outside the door now.

  “Jesus. No,” I practically yell.

  Emily inhales a deep breath and tells me, “I didn’t think so,” before slamming the door shut and turning to face Jessa. The two girls head past the main house and to the little cabin in back where Danny and Emily live. I step out too, meeting Danny on the drive. “Fucking women,” I mutter to myself.

  Danny laughs. “You definitely got your hands full with that one,” he says shaking his head.

  “Why couldn’t I have fallen for a rational, level-headed, sweet girl like Emily?”

  “There’s only one girl like Emily and she’s mine,” Danny says, getting all fucking serious.

  “Relax, man. I was just trying to comment on how crazy Jessa is without a direct hit. Trust me, she’s the only one I want.”

  “Even girls like Em have a way of making all kinds of crazy bullshit up in their heads – creating problems where there isn’t one. I mean, hell, I’ve done it myself. It’s just human nature, Paxton. We all do it.”

  I know Danny’s right about Emily. I know what they went through. “How did you get her to come around and see the truth?” I ask him.

  “They don’t want to hear it. They need to see it. You just can’t give up. You gotta show her that whatever is messing with her head isn’t the truth. Patience, brother, you need a lot of patience.”

  I can’t help but laugh at that. Jessa’s taught me more than I ever wanted to know about patience.

  We get to the small cabin and Danny unleashes his dog. She immediately comes running over to me, jumping up on my legs as I lean against the porch railing.

  “I’ll go get us some beers. I’m guessing they’re having ‘girl time’.”

  “Sounds good,” I tell him, reaching down to scratch the dog’s head before taking a seat in one of Adirondacks on the porch. The giant dog jumps up on me like she’s a lap dog. “God damn it, dog,” I mutter, picking her up and putting her back on the ground. She stares up at me with her big black eyes, her body is twitching like she’s gonna make another attempt. I smile at her. She’s a cute fucker.

  Danny comes back out then with two beers and takes a seat next to me. The dog immediately goes after him and when she tries to jump on his lap, he tells her, “No, Daisy. Sit.” She does, before laying down by his chair.

  “Must be nice having a girl around who listens to you,” I mutter, taking a swallow of my beer.

  Danny laughs. “Are you trying to tell Jessa what to do, ‘cause that’s your first problem. Don’t you know Jessa doesn’t like being told what to do?”

  That’s not necessarily true. Under the right circumstances she loves being told what to do, but obviously this ain’t the time or place to talk about that. “What’s going on inside?” I ask. All I want to do is drag Jessa away from Em and ask her how she knows I’ve been within ten feet of Stella and explain to her why that was. But I’m not gonna throw Em under the bus. Danny’s right. I just have to be patient. Which is fine. I will follow that girl around until she realizes I ain’t leaving.

  “Who knows? All conversation stops as soon as I walk through that door. Which, I guess means, they are talking about shit I’m not supposed to know about. We might be out here for a while,” Danny mutters.

  I swallow my beer and prepare to wait it out, getting comfortable with Danny and his dog.

  Chapter 16 - Jessa

  Em and I, or… if I’m being honest, I… have drained a bottle of wine while the guys have stayed away – out on the porch. She keeps telling me I have to talk to him about Stella, that she thinks I’m misunderstanding. I keep telling her to fuck off. Which is wrong, but shit, that’s the kind of mood I’m in. Fuck off. Everyone, especially Paxton, can fuck off. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want anyone. I don’t even want to go near him.

  Shit, I am such a weak pathetic whore. Within the first few minutes of him being back in my life I was already mentally preparing to forgive him and head back to Chicago with him. Within four hours of his arrival back in my life – three and a half of them spent sleeping – I let him get me off… twice. And like a direct message from God, before my panties even had a chance to dry, my mom, who never talks about the past, who never shows any kind of emotion, lost her shit and had a breakdown about the fact that she knows I’m going to end up just like her – lifeless and miserable because she knows I’m stupid enough to depend on a man for my happiness.

  I see the way you look at him. I can tell what kind of boy he is. You are in love with him and he is going to leave you. He is not the kind of boy you fall in love with. Don’t settle for him. Don’t give up your future for him. I know how you feel about me. I see the disgust on your face. And you’re right – what I’ve turned into is disgusting, but if you give everything up for him I can guarantee you will end up just like me.

  Danny comes in after, I don’t know how long, and pulls Emily away from me, dragging her into their bedroom. Knowing them, he’s not bringing her there to talk and I don’t want to hear two people, in love, making love, so I reluctantly head outside where I assume Paxton is.

  I look at him kicked back in his chair, one hand resting lazily on Daisy’s head who is sided up against his chair, the other hand grasping onto his bottle of beer.

  “Did you get your head correct, or did Danny just kick you out of there?” Pax asks, his eyes trained on nothing,

  “My head is always correct, but yeah, I’m not really in the mood to listen to the happy couple going at it,” I tell him, taking a seat next to him.

  We sit in silence for a while before he speaks. “That night, when Vi finally brought me home, did she tell you I was in the back room at The Bottle with Stella?” he asks with no emotion in his voice.

  “Yeah. She said you two were alone. On a couch. Her hands on you. The phone that you weren’t picking up on a table in front of you.”

  “Why didn’t you ask me about that?”

  “Why would I do that? So you could lie to me and tell me that it wasn’t what it looked like? I was on the phone with Vi when she stepped into that room. I know exactly what it looked like.”

  “Billy called her there. I called you before I walked into that room so that I could tell you. So that you could be with me while I was in the back room with her and the rest of the crew.”

  “I know you di
d, and I called you back five minutes later. In fact, I called you at least ten times that night. You never picked up.”

  “I was hallucinating,” he tells me, skimming over the fact that he didn’t pick up my calls. He had tried. He had done his duty and tried to get a hold of me. And then he turned his fucking phone off and chucked it on the coffee table in front of him and Stella; effectively forgetting about me. “I didn’t even know it when everyone bailed on me. I tried to get up and walk out of that room but I couldn’t even open my fucking eyes.” I immediately see Stella’s picture from that night. Paxton’s eyes are wide open.

  “I don’t care, Paxton. You don’t have to justify whatever the two of you are doing to me. But please, stop lying to me.”

  “She was at our last show. She was working for the station as their photographer. I couldn’t do anything about it.”

  “That’s awesome. Good for her,” I tell him, realizing that he is finally putting two and two together and figuring out that he is busted.

  “Those were the only times I saw her. I know I told you I would stay away from her. I should have never walked into that room but I was desperate and she had the drugs. And the show… fucking sketchy. I had no idea until I got there. And, shit, I had too much on my mind to be worrying about her.”

  I shake my head. He’s lying again. Stella had plenty of pictures of them from the rehearsal they had the same day they were at the bar together. “You know what, Pax, I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’m tired of talking about her and your drug addiction. None of it matters anymore.”

  “It doesn’t, huh?”

  “No,” I mutter, staring out into the trees.

  “What the fuck does that mean?” he snarls. “If you mean that, then you are nothing but the cold-hearted, selfish girl that you were when I met you.”

  My head snaps towards him. I reach down and pick up an empty beer bottle from the ground and chuck it at his head. He ducks and it hits the railing and falls to the ground, doesn’t even break. Paxton flies out of his chair. He pulls me up and turns me around, pinning me to the post behind me. He gets in my face, I can feel his anger and it lights up my body.