Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) Read online

  “Didn’t you hear the man – he doesn’t want to talk about her,” Billy says, laughing easily. He’s lucky the waitress shows back up because if it weren’t for the alcohol I would be across that table putting my fist into his loud mouth.

  I slam three shots before she’s even gone. “Get me a bucket of beer,” I tell her, not looking her way.

  “Wow,” she says, “who fucked you over?”

  Billy’s rolling again.

  “It’s your job to serve me alcohol, not ask questions,” I seethe.

  “Ouch,” she says before walking away.

  We sit there for a few tense moments before Billy says, “Well, this is awkward, I’m gonna go find me a pretty lady. You two have fun.”

  I shake my head and Louis gets out of his seat and moves across from me.

  “So are you sticking around for a while?” he asks me.

  “I don’t know,” I tell him, downing another shot.

  “I’m assuming based on this….” he pauses to wave his hand at me, “that things are over between you and Jessa.”

  “Yeah,” I manage to mutter. Louis isn’t as infuriating as Billy is.

  “That sucks, man. Seemed like you two had a good thing going and I don’t want to see you head out of town again.”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing. I got nothing waiting for me anywhere.”

  “I know what you mean, bro. When we were playing it seemed like life was just beginning, you know what I mean; like shit was going to start happening… life was going to start happening. And after that, I don’t know what I got.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” I say, shaking my head. That’s exactly how I felt with Jessa.

  “You ever think about playing again?”

  “No, man. Not really.”

  “What are you gonna do then?” he asks me.

  “I’m just trying to get through one day at a time. Same as I’ve always done.”

  “Yeah, well you’re still young, you got time. I remember being twenty. Not a care in the damn world. I was happy as hell just to get into bars and score a few gigs with Chaos.”

  That should be my life right now. I should be living in Venice without a care in the world. Why am I sticking around this place? I knew it, when I came back here, that all this city would ever give me was pain, and now I’m considering sticking around it just because the girl who caused me more pain than I’ve ever felt is here. Fuck that.

  I grab a beer out of the bucket the waitress dropped off, in silence this time, and start slamming it. If this is my last night in Chicago, I might as well do it right.

  “Oh my god,” I hear an angry yell coming my way and I know it’s Violet. Shit. I slam my beer down on the table, then start to slide out of the booth.

  This is absolutely perfect, the second I decide to be done with all this bullshit Vi shows up and that means Jessa’s here. As I plant my boot on the ground Vi bolts into me and grabs a hold of my shoulders. I look behind her where Jimmy is standing. Jessa’s not here. My chest tightens and I take Vi’s hands off me.

  “You are still in town? What the hell, Paxton? You didn’t bother to call me?”

  “I’m sorry, Vi. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

  “I need to talk to you,” she angry whispers at me, shoving me back into the booth and sitting down facing me. “Jessa needs to talk to you, Pax…”

  “Violet, don’t even say it, I swear to God. I will sit here and spend one last night with you assholes, but I’m not talking about it.”

  “Whatever, Paxton. You don’t have to talk to me but you have to tell me one thing.” She grabs a hold of my face and forces me to look at her. I knock her hand away but keep my eyes on her. “Do you love her?”

  A harsh sound comes out of my mouth. “What the fuck does that matter, Vi?”

  “Because Paxton, she loves you. This is tearing her apart. And if you still love her you need to tell her that. She needs to know that.”

  Of course she does. She needs to know that I’m the one that got hurt. That I’m the one that got left. She needs to know that her record is still perfect. “No, Vi. I don’t.”

  “That’s bullshit, Paxton.”

  “I answered your question. Now let it go.”

  She shakes her head then gets out of the booth and heads to the bar. Jimmy’s next to Louis now staring at me like he’s about to open his mouth and give me his skewed opinion on the matter. “Keep it to yourself, Jimmy.”

  “I just don’t like seeing Violet like this. She’s been upset – thinking you had left and worrying about you. You could at least pick up her calls.”

  I shake my head at him. I don’t want to be a dick, but what Violet wants doesn’t really rank on my priority list right now. There is only one thing on that list at the moment and it’s to get wasted before getting outta here and never coming back. I finish off my beer and down another shot.

  Vi comes back with a round of drinks. She sets them on the table then slides in next to me. “So, you’re leaving tomorrow?”

  “Yep, getting out of this shit hole and never coming back.”

  “Why didn’t you leave three days ago after you stormed out of my apartment?”

  “Because, Vi, I had some things to wrap up around here first.”

  “Like?”

  “Like it’s none of your damn business.”

  “Watch it, Paxton,” Jimmy warns me, defending his girl.

  “Let it go, Vi,” I tell her.

  “You’re blind and you’re stubborn and you’re making a huge mistake.”

  “Aright,” I tell her, giving up on all this bullshit, “move your ass so I can get out of here.”

  “Why are you running away from everything?” she asks, holding tight to the table so that I can’t push her out.

  “There’s nothing to run away from. Please, Vi, move.”

  “No, Paxton. You’re not walking away from me.”

  “Let him go, babe,” Jimmy calmly tells her from across the table.

  She lets out a breath of defeat then steps out of the booth. As I slide out Louis says, “Are you really leaving, man?”

  Jimmy steps out and slaps me on the back. “Keep in touch, man,” he tells me.

  “Seriously, bro, I’m gonna miss you. It was good having you back,” Louis says, pulling me into a hug.

  “I’ll see you guys around,” I tell them.

  Vi’s in front of me now, looking up at me with her big puppy dog eyes that are shining with tears. “Ah, hell, Vi. Don’t do that.”

  “I don’t want you to leave, Pax.”

  I bend down and fold her into my arms and she clings to my back, burring her wet face in my shoulder. “I’m sorry babe. I have to go.” She nods her head against my shoulder and holds tighter to my neck. “Take care of her, okay,” I whisper. Vi’s emotional goodbye, and possibly all the alcohol that I can feel making its way through my body, has my heart softening. I don’t want to hurt Vi and maybe I don’t want Jessa to hurt either.

  “Paxton…?” a quiet, familiar voice says.

  Vi’s head lifts and her arms release me. “Thank God,” she whispers at Jessa’s sudden appearance in the bar. I watch as she motions Louis and Jimmy out of the booth and they all walk away.

  I take a deep breath and harden myself. Fucking, Vi.

  I will just look at her, tell her goodbye and walk the hell out of here.

  I turn then and see her. She doesn’t look like herself. Her eyes are red and her naked skin is pale. Her hair is barely held up by her binder and pieces of it fall around her face. She’s wearing one of my hoodies that didn’t make it into my bag, a pair of jeans with a hole in the knee and she’s got her Vans on. It throws me off my game for a second. Why does she look so broke down?

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asks, taking a tentative step towards me.

  “I was just heading out, Jess,” I say, forcing my foot to take a step towards the exit. She grabs onto my hand then and my whole body goes tense
when her skin is connected to mine.

  “Please, Paxton. Just for a minute,” she says, her voice shaky.

  I know I need to just get the hell out of here. Seeing her… feeling her… is making me falter and I cannot break down in front of this girl. “What do you need to say?” I ask her, taking a step back to the table and grabbing myself another beer. I sit on the end of the booth and she stands in front of me.

  Her hands are in the pockets of my hoodie and her eyes are trained on the ground. She looks back up at me then and I can see the pain in her blue eyes. It hurts my heart to see that. Right now, I hate her, but I care about her too much and I have for too long for it not to hurt to see that.

  “This is hard, Pax. I don’t know how to say the things I want to say to you.”

  “Well figure it out, kid. I want to get out of here,” I tell her, keeping my voice hard.

  She stares at me and I can see her eyes glossing over, just like Vi’s did. Shit. I can’t sit here and watch her cry.

  “I’m scared, Paxton,” she whispers. “The way that I felt when I was with you was scary. I didn’t know how to deal with it.” She inhales a lungful of air and slowly blows it back out her mouth.

  I’m waiting patiently for her to finish her sentence that is going to end one of two ways: she’s scared and she can’t handle it and she’s sorry that she’s so fucked up but that’s just the way it’s going to be and she can’t change that. Or, she’s scared but she doesn’t care because she loves me and she wants to try and work shit out.

  Jessa opens her mouth to speak when she’s suddenly shoved aside by some bitch. I stand up and grab onto Jessa’s arm and hold her to me before addressing the girl. When I turn, my entire body goes completely rigid. Julia is standing in front of me. Julia Dixon, Rachel’s precious little stepdaughter.

  “Oh my god, I thought that was you,” she says with a huge smile on her face.

  “Let it go, Julia,” I tell her. “I was just leaving.”

  “Let it go? Are you kidding me? I’m well aware of the contract you signed Paxton. My dad is taking our money and giving it to you. Our money. Like we need to be paying your way and supporting your loser ass.”

  My body that was already at its emotional breaking point with Jessa is now shaking with rage. “Whatever, Julia. I don’t give a shit anymore.” And that’s the truth. I really don’t give a shit.

  “Okay,” she says in a high pitched voice. “Like I’m going to believe that. You are such a delinquent. All you have is that money he’s giving you but you are such a fuck up you couldn’t even manage to follow one simple rule. All you had to do was stay away from all of us. God, you are so stupid.”

  All I can do is laugh at her ignorant ass.

  I watch as she pulls her phone out of her purse and dials a number before bringing it to her mouth. “Hi, mom,” she says cheerily into the phone. “Guess who I ran into… in Chicago?”

  “Fuck off,” I tell her, turning and heading for the door.

  “You’re a waste of space, Paxton. I wish your suicide attempt would have been more successful,” she calls after me.

  I’m so enraged I can’t see straight as I head towards the door. I can hear Jessa calling after me, but I don’t stop for her. I can’t.

  I make it out the door and when I feel Jessa’s hand reaching for me I shake her off. “You don’t want to be around me right now,” I warn her, heading to the back parking lot.

  “Paxton, stop,” she says as I reach my car.

  “Jessa, I’m not fucking around. Get out of here.” I open my door and get in, slamming it behind me and turning over the engine. I hear another door slam and I look in the rear view and see Jessa in the backseat on the passenger side. “Get out,” I tell her.

  “No.”

  “Fucking stubborn,” I mutter, pulling out of the lot, needing to get away from here whether Jessa’s with me or not.

  When I get to Billy’s I don’t bother telling her not to follow me. All I want to do is get my shit and get the hell out of here. I can hear her little footsteps as she chases after me. She follows me into the apartment. I can feel her watching me as I gather up the shit I have laying around the apartment. “Pax, what are you doing?” she asks me.

  I don’t answer her. When I have all my shit together I head to the door where Jessa is standing with her arms and legs spread out like she’s going to stop me. I’m tired of telling people to move, so I grab onto her arm and pull her away. She’s resisting but with the rage that’s pumping through my body, it’s not an effort. I open the door and then I feel Jessa jump onto my back. She’s got her arms wrapped around me so tight she’s choking me. I get her unwrapped, but when I go to unhook her feet that are wrapped around my waist, she grabs on again. Harder this time. I pull her arms away and hold hard to her wrist. “Jessa,” I tell her, trying to keep my shit together. “I have to go. You need to let me go.”

  “No, Paxton. You’re drunk and you’re angry and you are not getting in that car. Where the hell are you going anyway?”

  “I’m going home,” I tell her long and slow, containing my anger as best I can.

  “What? You think you are getting in your car, drunk, and driving to California?” she laughs. “That’s stupid, Paxton.”

  “No, Jessa. What’s stupid is that I have a little girl wrapped around my back thinking she’s going to stop me. Get down before I hurt you.”

  “Do what you gotta do, Pax. I’m not letting you go.”

  Fuck. I drop my bag and unhitch her legs, holding them so she can’t reattach them. I wrench the bottom half of her body around until she has no choice but to slide to the front of me. She’s staring at me now with her determined eyes, her hands still clinging tightly to my neck, but no longer strangling me. I lay her down on the floor and put my knees on her thighs to keep them in place. She’s staring at me in silence. I peel her hands off my neck and pin her to the floor.

  I stare down at her. My breaths are ragged from the effort of getting her ass off of me. She knows I’ve won and now her determined eyes are full of pain again. I can’t look away from them. It hurts, but I can’t get myself to look away.

  “Paxton, don’t do this,” she whispers and then a tear falls from her eye.

  Jessa, the girl that has no heart, no feelings, no emotions, who I have never seen cry, not once, is crying.

  “Fuuck,” I yell, standing up and going to the kitchen. I grab Billy’s bottle of whiskey and pour it down my throat before smashing the empty bottle into the wall. I start clearing out his cabinets, smashing anything I can get my hands on into the wall. That fucking bitch, I was one fucking second away from leaving this town… leaving my fucking heart here, but maintaining Gabriel’s independence… and fucking Julia walks through the door. “Bitch,” I growl to the sound of breaking glass. Her cheery fucking voice is running through my head Hi, mom. “Fuck.” And why was I still standing in that fucking place? Because of Jess. Jessa and her broken mouth and her sad eyes and shaking voice. “Fuck,” I mutter one last time, leaning over with my hands on my thighs, trying to catch my breath. I raise my eyes and see Jess on the floor where I left her, propped up on her knees, tears streaming down her face.

  I close my eyes and take a few more breaths before walking over to her. I reach down and pick her up into my arms. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I know that, right now, I need her. And I can’t leave her crying. I walk us to the couch and lay down. She curls up on my side and lays there with me in silence. My head is pounding and my body is spent. I close my eyes and pull Jessa’s binder out of her hair so I can put my fingers in it.

  “Who was that awful girl?” Jessa whispers.

  I let out a huff of breath and shake my head. “That was my stepsister, Julia,” I say with mock enthusiasm.

  “You had to live with her?” Jessa says with a combination of sadness and disgust.

  “In my awesome family, she was the best of the bunch,” I tell her because it’s the truth.

/>   Jessa holds tighter to my side and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’m never coming back. That girl is no longer part of my life.”

  Chapter 22 - Jessa

  I was up most of the night, laying on Paxton’s sleeping body, touching him and looking at him, trying to remember everything about him because, although I’m with him now, he’s not mine. He’s leaving today and going home. And after the spectacle I saw last night I won’t try to keep him here and I know he’s never coming back.

  These past four days have been the hardest days of my life. It was a shock moving from the happiest I have ever been into the most depressed I had ever felt so quickly. After I talked to Paxton on the phone I knew that he was gone from my life forever. I thought he had gone back to California. I did nothing but cry and stare at his wall and wrap myself in anything he had left behind. I couldn’t imagine getting out of that bed. I couldn’t imagine doing anything. I didn’t get out of that bed, I didn’t do anything. Not until last night when Vi called to tell me Paxton was still in Chicago.

  But my pain, my hurt, is new to me. Until I lost Paxton I didn’t really understand what it meant to be hurt by another human being. I saw it happen all the time; to my mom, to Emily, to any girl that had ever loved a boy. I thought I had felt that pain once too, but now I know it’s not true.

  But Paxton… Paxton understands pain. I’ve never seen such real, raw pain as I did in Paxton’s face as he destroyed Billy’s kitchen last night. My heart was already in pieces, but it completely crumbled last night. If he grew up with that girl, Julia, and if the rest of her family is just as bad as she is, then Paxton knows pain. It’s been made crystal clear that his life in this city was defined by the pain it brought him. And from what I understand from Violet, Paxton’s girlfriend caused him pain. And me too. I hurt him and caused him pain too. And those awful words that that girl yelled across the bar… I can’t even think about them. Did Paxton hurt so badly that he didn’t want to live anymore? I don’t want him to hurt anymore.

  When Paxton groans awake I pull my hand out of his shirt and wrap it around his waist. I don’t know how he’s going to react when he realizes I’m here with him. He passed out almost immediately after we laid down- it’s possible that he was so drunk he won’t remember me coming here with him.