Inside of You (Jessa & Paxton #2) Page 20

  Jessa wraps her hand around the one I have laying on her cheek. “Okay,” she agrees and my heart starts beating again. She takes her hand from mine and turns her body away from me. She props her bare feet up on the dash. I look at her long, toned legs and the fact is I want them wrapped around me. I want her close to me. But I know that’s not who we are right now. It’s not what she needs. If she needs me to take a step back and be her friend again, I’m willing to do that for now. As long as she doesn’t push me out of her life I can do whatever she asks me to.

  I head out of town and south on 61. I feel a little dread that we are leaving that peaceful little town and heading back to the city. We have two shows at the end of the week and the thought alone exhausts me. I love being in my bed if Jessa is there with me, but the city and the rooms that we are always in, the people we are always surrounded by presses down on me and I’m already missing the wide open spaces and clean air that is still surrounding me. “Are you sure you want to go back to the city, Jess?”

  “I don’t really care where I am right now. It doesn’t really matter.”

  “What are you going to do about your classes?”

  “I don’t know. I think I’ll stick with my plan – everything just feels like too much at the moment.”

  “What are we going back for then?”

  “Where else am I gonna go? I can’t stay there in that town right now. I don’t want to be in River Bluff right now.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because, Pax… it’s just too much, and… I don’t want to get stuck there. I don’t want to get comfortable there.”

  “I would be with you.”

  Her eyes turn to me then. “What are you saying? You seriously want to stay there?”

  “Maybe for a little while.”

  “You have shows this week. You have to go back to Chicago.”

  “I have plenty of money in the bank now. I don’t have to play. My life is no longer depending on it.”

  “I don’t want to stay here, you don’t want to go there… maybe we should just drive. Just stay in this car and keep driving,” she says quietly and I think she’s being facetious, but the idea of a road trip – of the two of us and nothing else – sounds perfect.

  “What direction do you want to head?”

  “Wherever,” she whispers, closing her eyes.

  I look at her peaceful face and I smile. Me and her, in this car, no direction, no anything but us. Hell, yes. That’s exactly what we’re doing.

  Chapter 18 - Jessa

  I wake up to the sight of Paxton driving a car and I’m completely disoriented for a moment. This day has been such a confusing mess, everything seems a little blurry. But, yep, it’s all coming back to me now. When I went to Natalie’s this morning to get my head together I was ready to break down and hand myself over to Paxton, but by the time I left I had made the decision to head back to Chicago with Dylan. With my head clear, and my space free of Paxton, a picture of what my life had turned into over the past week became obvious. The picture didn’t give me any answers necessarily, but it made it clear that I couldn’t stay in River Bluff because if Paxton left me there, or for sure if he stayed there with me, there was a good chance I would never leave. I had to get out.

  That’s all I really knew. And I knew I still needed time, away from Paxton, to try to sort through all of my issues and to gain some kind of perspective. Are Paxton’s feeling for me exclusive? Does he love Stella? Am I just like my mom? Do I belong in River Bluff? Do I deserve to have a future as something more than a small town waitress? Do I even really give a shit about fashion or college or a career? Is it even possible for a man to really love only one woman? I don’t know. But staying in that town, living in my past, wasn’t assisting the necessary process of clearing my head. Being overcome by Paxton’s presence wasn’t helping either.

  But as soon as Paxton was within two feet of me I basically gave into my desire to be near him and forgot about everything else, like I always do. So here I am. In his car. Heading back to Chicago. With him. And what are the chances that once I’m there, in our bed with him, that I will ever find the strength to leave him… probably zero. Because just this – staring at his profile, looking at the way the long fingers on his left hand hold loosely to the steering wheel and the way his right hand is reached over the seat, the tips of his fingers touching my hand – is more than I can resist.

  He knows about Stella’s account. And the exact reason why I didn’t bring it up to him has now happened – he told me his side of the story and also pointed out the fact that if he wanted to, Dylan could have done the same thing. I instantly believed him. I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted Stella to be right, which I realize, is fucked up. I sit up in my seat, rubbing my stiff neck and stretching out my legs.

  “Holy shit, you’re awake,” Pax says. “You seriously didn’t sleep last night, huh?”

  “No. Not at all.” All I did last night was try to find a way to fall out of love with Pax. A completely wasted night that got me absolutely nowhere. “What time is it?” I ask him, looking at the dark sky, thinking we must be getting close to home.

  Paxton grabs my phone, which I threw on the dash, and turns it on. “Eight seventeen,” he tells me, throwing it back down and resting his hand near me, but not on me.

  “Shouldn’t we be in Chicago by now? We left at what…one?”

  Paxton laughs. “What are you talking about, kid? We’re not going back to Chicago.”

  My eyes snap to his. “What the hell are you talking about? Where are we?”

  “We’re nowhere. We’re going nowhere.”

  “Jesus, Pax. I wasn’t serious. We can’t just… drive around. Seriously, where the hell are we?”

  “Seriously… I don’t fucking know. Somewhere in South Dakota. And yeah, we can just drive around. That’s exactly what we’re doing. We’re gonna drive around so you can breathe. Are you hungry?”

  “Oh my god. You’re crazy,” I tell him, but inside I feel a huge sense of relief. Like I might be able to breathe. On the road with nowhere to go, nothing to worry about at the moment. Forced to be with Pax – having no choice in the matter, no decision to be made. “Yeah. I’m hungry.”

  “It’s desolate around here. I haven’t seen an exit with food for about two hours. Might have to jump out and kill a cow.”

  “With what? Your guitar pick?”

  “With my bare hands, beso. I’m a man. That’s how we do,” he says, reaching his arm out and pulling me into his side. I inhale his sent and look out at the dark sky littered with stars. If we could stay in the car forever, everything could maybe be perfect.

  “Please. You’re a city boy. Your wilderness survival skills are nonexistent. And I’m pretty sure you can’t charm a cow to death.”

  “I guess you’ll never find out ‘cause that looks like city lights up ahead.”

  “I doubt it’s a city, but it might be a gas station.”

  “I’ll buy you all the beef jerky you want, beso.”

  “God, I love you,” I tell him facetiously.

  “I love you too,” he tells me in all seriousness.

  I sit up out of his arm, not sure if I’m ready to climb right back into the comfort of us.

  “I told you, Jessa, I can sit here silently, I can keep my mouth off you. If you want to go back to the friend thing, I’m totally cool with that. But our hands wrapped up together, my arm wrapped around you… that’s been us since day one, so don’t wig out about it, please. I don’t not want to be able to feel you in my arms. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

  “I have to find my shoes, Pax,” I tell him, propping myself on my knees and reaching my arms to the backseat where my suitcase is. “Don’t wig out about it, please.”

  “You think I don’t know every thought that runs through your head, beso, but I do so there’s no point lying to me.” I unzip my suitcase and don’t comment because we both know it’s the truth. “Just
like you know every thought that runs through my head. Like right now, with your body stretched over the seat, your dress riding up to your ass, knowing you forgot to put your underwear on when you left the house… you know exactly what I’m thinking about.” I do know what he’s thinking about. He didn’t need to tell me. I can feel his eyes on me.

  “Yeah, I do,” I admit, trying to ignore the fact that my arms are covered in goose bumps from the chills his words sent through me. “Can you turn on the light? I can’t see shit.” He flips it on and I manage to pull out my Vans and wonder if I should try to change out of my dress, or at least try to find a bra and underwear. “Shit,” I mutter, pushing myself further into the backseat. I found the panties, but there is no bra in sight.

  “I’m not telling you what to do, kid, but if you come across a bra or a sweatshirt can you put them on for me? You can see every inch of your tits through that dress you got on.”

  I’m already turning around with Paxton’s hoodie in my hand. “Pax, I love you, I really do,” I tell him, reaching down to slip my panties on. “And I’m beyond confused as far as you and I go. But don’t be stupid and try to pretend that no matter what we are, there is any version of us where I don’t want your hands on me and your mouth in mine. So you are going to have to be the strong one. You can’t talk about my tits and the fact that you could have easily ran your fingers over me when you know I’m already aching for you.” I tell him dead seriously. I know, and he knows, that in order for me to gain any kind of clarity right now I need to be with him like we used to be as friends, without the overwhelming power of our physical relationship. I’m not strong enough. I’m counting on the fact that, for me, he will be.

  “Yeah, beso. I’ll give you what you need and not what you want. But help me out and cover up when you can.”

  “Yeah, I can do that,” I sigh, zipping up my hoddie and pulling the hem of my dress down as far as it will go.

  Paxton pulls off the highway and heads over to the gas station.

  “Looks like Mo not only owns a gas station but a motel too,” Pax says, looking at the letters hanging off the front of the gas station. He’s right, it looks like there’s a crappy motel attached to it.

  “Must be our lucky night,” I mutter.

  Paxton pulls up to a pump and gets out of the car. I get out too and start to head to Mo’s in search of a bathroom.

  “Beso,” Pax calls from the pump.

  “Yeah?” I pause to look at him.

  “You need to wait for me.”

  I roll my eyes at him. “I’m a big girl. I’ll be just fine.”

  “Please. Just wait for me.”

  “Fine,” I mutter, heading back to the car to lean against the door.

  He finishes fueling up then comes and takes my hand so he can escort me across the parking lot. “I don’t know how I ever managed to do anything before I met you. I mean, how does a girl even walk into a gas station without the assistance of a big, strong man?” I ask him, batting my eyelashes as he opens the door for me.

  We step in and the first thing I see is a guy at the magazine rack, who looks like a serial killer, flipping through a Playboy, which he pauses from to run his eyes up and down my body. Paxton laughs under his breath and steers me in the other direction. “You think you don’t need me, beso, but you do.”

  I flare my nostrils but don’t comment as Paxton brings me to the back corner where the bathroom is. I didn’t tell him I was about to pee my pants but I swear, sometimes I think he can read my mind.

  When I finish up I go to open the door, but it won’t budge. “Pax, are you blocking the door?” It opens then and I step out, shaking my head at him.

  “Don’t shake your head at me. It’s like a creeper convention in this place.”

  I look around and Paxton is right, the place is littered with stray men who look like they’ve been living in the woods. “What the hell? Mo’s got some shady friends.”

  “We ain’t spending the night here. That’s for damn sure,” he tells me, dragging me over to the soda station where he grabs a gigantic cup and starts filling it with ice, never letting go of my hand. “What do you want, beso?”

  “I don’t know. I kind of lost my appetite,” I tell him.

  He sets his giant cup of Coke on the counter so he can grab a couple of wrinkled up hot dogs from the rolling heater. I take my hand from his and he lets me, but keeps his eyes on me as he gets his hotdogs in their buns. “You want one?”

  “Hell, no. Are you seriously going to eat that shit?”

  “Gas station hot dogs are off the hook,” he tells me, piling the condiments on.

  “That rank meat is gonna be good for our friendship. I never want your mouth on me again,” I tell him with a smile.

  He takes a big bite. “Umm, so fucking good,” he garbles before grabbing a hold of me and putting his lips on mine, trying to work his way into my mouth.

  “Ugh,” I moan, pushing him off of me. “You are so gross,” I say, smiling up at his goofy ass.

  Paxton makes his way around the gas station grabbing enough food to last a week. I grab a giant bottle of water some Sweet Tarts and an apple, not willing to take a chance on the saran wrapped sandwiches, which is the only real food in this place outside of the hot dogs. He pays then brings me back to the car. He starts the engine but only drives as far as the dark corner of the parking lot where he parks so he can fill his face.

  “I’ve never been to South Dakota,” Pax says, looking out the window. “All these crazy places in the world where no one lives. So many people packed into places like Chicago and Venice…why not here? I mean look at that sky.”

  “I never pegged you for a country boy but the way I had to practically beg you to leave River Bluff and the fact that you’re lusting over these grasslands… seems like you’re ready to drop off the grid.”

  “I could do that. If you would come with me. We could build ourselves a little yurt out in the middle of nowhere. Live off berries. Ditch the clothes.”

  I take a bite of my apple and shake my head. “I’ve spent my whole life in the middle of nowhere. I’m over it. You, on the other hand only know densely populated. Everyone always wants what they haven’t already had,” I tell him, my mind not on the country but on him and what he might want some day.

  “I know what you’re thinking, kid, and you’re wrong.”

  “You seriously are some kind of mind reader,” I tell him with a smile on my face that I can’t keep hidden.

  “You are just so predictable, beso. That’s all,” he tells me. “What are the things that you want that you’ve never had?”

  I close my eyes and breathe in the night air that is coming through my open window. I don’t know that I have an answer to that question. The only thing I want is Paxton and he’s willing to give himself to me so the answer should be nothing, but I know that’s not right. “I don’t know,” I tell him, thinking about it. “I want you. Just to be with you. To accept every second I have with you for what it is – another second of you.”

  “And why can’t you have that?” he asks, turning to look at me.

  “Because my mind is too cluttered. Because I can’t shove out all the thoughts and people that have nothing to do with you.”

  “Right. Maybe my idea ain’t so bad after all. You, me, the wilderness – nothing else.”

  “I’m still me, no matter what.”

  “So you’d still manage to find a way to fuck us up, even if it was just the two of us and nothing else.”

  “Probably. At night, when we would go to sleep on the ground I would wonder if you were living like that with me for me, or if it was something you really wanted. In the morning I would hear you sigh as you looked at the sky and I would think there is somewhere else you’d rather be. Something else you’d rather be doing. Someone else you would rather be with. Then I would insist you bring me home and I would tell you that I needed you to go,” I tell him with a weak laugh because, although I’m being facetious
, I’m beginning to think that pathetic girl is who I really am.

  “So this is my life, huh? I’m just gonna keep wandering the world with you, waiting for you to let me love you.”

  “I don’t know. Don’t you ever worry about the future? I mean, back in Chicago we were so dependent on each other for everything. Our lives had literally become one. Didn’t you ever worry about what would remain of your life if something came between us?”

  He’s quiet for a moment like he’s thinking about it, but then he tells me, “No. Once we made that commitment to each other, to remain inside of each other, I don’t think I ever once thought about living my life without you. I mean, shit, my life has never been mine. Until things came to a head with Rachel and I was finally out of her hold, my life was never mine. I never got to have what I wanted or make my own decisions. Now it is. And the only thing I want is you. For once life is simple. All I have to do is figure out why you won’t trust me, why you won’t give all of yourself to me, and then I have to figure out how to deal with that problem. That’s all I have to do in this life. And it never crossed my mind, even now when you are fighting so damn hard to keep us apart, that I would ever be living without you. Because I won’t. You can do what you gotta do but I’m never letting you go,” he tells me, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek before opening the door and getting out with our garbage in his hands. I watch him as he makes his way over to the trash and then back to me, wondering why I can’t just see things for what they are and appreciate what I have like he can. “You ready?” he asks when he gets back into the car. I nod and he pulls out of the lot and heads back to the highway.

  “How do you do that, Pax?”

  “What are you talking about, kid?”

  “You should be the fucked up one out of the two of us. Considering your very disturbing upbringing with Rachel and the fact that you’ve been drinking and getting high since you were nine, plus the shit you went through with your band and your drugs. My life has been easy. The big tragedy in my life is my parents’ divorce. Yet, you aren’t letting any of your issues get in our way. Why am I letting things that I can’t even name, can’t even identify, come between us? Why am I the fucked up one?”