Part of Me (Jessa & Paxton #1) Read online

  When he sees me his body tenses. His eyes do a quick sweep of the room before they come back to me. I walk until I’m in front of him. His hands immediately clasp around my lower thighs and his eyes become greedy. He pulls me down onto his lap and the girl on the arm of the chair says, “Excuse me, can you not see that he’s already taken.”

  I raise my eyebrows at Paxton, wondering what he’s going to do about his friend. He pulls his eyes away from me to look at her. She smiles at him like he’s hers but he tells her, “Fuck off.” She retracts but doesn’t give up her prime seat. “Get out of here so I can be with my girl,” he growls at her.

  She sears her eyes into me, but finally stands and walks away. “You trying to get me in trouble, beso?” Paxton asks me.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I tell him.

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t play dumb. I haven’t been with you since this morning and then you show up here looking like this. Why the hell would you do that?”

  “Because, Pax, I haven’t been with you since this morning and when I put this dress on, over my naked body, all I could think of was you. When we get home I want you desperate and needy.”

  “With you, I’m always desperate and needy. No matter which way you showed up here I would be desperate and needy. In fact, as hot as this look is, I like you best in your tattered shorts and your loose tank top with the makeup from the night before smeared under your eyes and your hair a mess because I worked you over too hard.”

  He has moved me on top of his length and I seriously didn’t wear any undergarments tonight, so my wet flesh is now pushing into the rough fabric of his jeans.

  I want to move against him but I’m loosely aware of my surroundings, so I don’t. “You need to stop talking, Pax. Unless you want this room full of people to know what I sound like when you get me off.”

  His fingers dig into my skin and the intensity in his face is borderline violent. He growls before turning me around and situating me on his lap, holding me tightly in his arms.

  I take a deep breath then say, “Happy Birthday,” to Billy, who I am now facing.

  He smirks at me. “Thanks, sweetie. I’m glad you’re finally here- you man’s a grumpy bastard when you’re not around.”

  I tilt my head so that I can look at Pax. “Grumpy bastard?”

  He gives me a tight smile, but doesn’t explain. “What’d you and Vi do all day?”

  “Not much… went shopping… talked about your ex-girlfriend.”

  “Oh, yeah? Sounds fun,” he tells me, his jaw flexing.

  “It was enlightening.”

  “Vi should keep her fucking mouth shut,” he snarls.

  “She was just concerned, Pax. She doesn’t want you getting your heart broken again.”

  “Are you jealous, kid?”

  “No. Just curious,” I lie. “You never told me about her.”

  “Yeah, well your ex told me you aren’t capable of feeling and you are going to destroy me. So I say we don’t worry about our ex’s. They don’t matter.”

  I stare at Paxton for a moment before turning my head and settling into his chest. We’re quiet. I’m thinking about what Dylan told him and the fact that it’s possible to break Pax. I’m wondering if I will ever get to that place where Paxton’s kiss makes me nauseous. It seems impossible, but it happens every time. Could I break him?

  And then I see the girl from his chair, standing against the wall, her eyes still trying to catch his. How could I break someone like Paxton who could seriously have any woman he wants? If breaking is going to happen, I’m pretty sure he’s going to be the one to do it.

  “I’m gonna go get a drink,” I tell him, trying to stand, but he’s got his arms wrapped tightly around me. I look at him and his eyes are vacant. He’s lost in his thoughts. “Pax,” I say, touching his face. It snaps him out of his daze. “I’m gonna get a drink.”

  He nods and takes his hands off me so I can stand. He stands too and grabs onto my hand, leading me through the party and to the kitchen where the counter is lined with alcohol. He lets go of me long enough to make me a vodka cranberry but then he wraps me up again, leaning against the counter. He’s got his nose buried in my hair and his thumbs are making lazy circles over my stomach. I stare out into the party taking note of all the girls that are sizing me up. I really don’t like leaving our room.

  “So this is Jessa?” a tall, dark- haired guy with green eyes and a shit eating grin on his face that looks a lot like Billy, asks Pax.

  “Jessa, this is Billy’s brother, Brandon. He flew in from New York to celebrate.”

  “Hey,” I tell the guy, taking my hands off Pax’s forearms to shake his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

  “Yeah, you too. I didn’t believe it when I heard Pax was back in the dating game, but I get it,” he tells me, letting out a low whistle.

  Paxton’s fingers dig into me. I’m sure he’s waiting for me to react to the word dating, or the words back into the dating game, which I want to. I want to tell the guy we are not dating. But I manage to keep it inside of me and instead say in as sweet of a voice as I can muster, “Paxton doesn’t seem like the dating type to you?”

  “Hell no…” he begins before stopping abruptly and laughing. “Wait… is this a trap?” Paxton laughs at Brandon’s discomfort. “She’s trying to get me to talk about your player days, huh?”

  “No, man,” Pax tells him. “She’s well aware.”

  “Really? So you know how rare this is and that you must be pretty damn exceptional to get this guy to give it another go?” he asks me.

  I think he’s trying to give me some sort of compliment but all I can hear is that shit went down so badly the last time Pax ‘gave it a go’ that it’s nearly impossible to believe that he would do it again. Not that he is doing it again, but that's what Brandon believes.

  Who was this girl? And what the hell happened between her and Paxton? These thoughts that I can’t get out of my head are making me nauseous. I don’t want to think about Pax with another girl like he is with me. But I know I don’t have the right to question him about it. He’s not my boyfriend and besides, he had to watch me with Dylan for an entire year. How the hell did he do that? I don’t ever want to see Paxton with another woman. Which is alarming. It bothered me when I had to see him with that girl Sadie, but not like this. This is physically painful. “No, I didn’t realize I was making history. Wow, I feel really special,” I manage to answer Brandon’s question.

  “Ah, a smartass,” Billy says to Pax.

  “You have no idea,” Pax mutters through his laughter.

  “Hey man, whatever it takes to make you happy.” Brandon clicks his bottle to my glass before walking away.

  Paxton turns me around so he can look at me. “That was impressive, beso, I hardly even felt your flinch.”

  “People can believe whatever they want, Pax. I don’t care what Brandon thinks is going on between us,” I say, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice. The reprieve I had from Paxton today is making me realize exactly how I feel about him. And how I feel when I’m not with him. How I feel about him being with someone other than me. My stomach was in knots all day, I told myself it was just because I needed to be back with him, but the knots are still very present inside of me because I can’t deny how much I need him. And it’s terrifying.

  “Just as long as I know the deal, right?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at me.

  “Just as long as we are on the same page,” I tell him, my own eyebrows raised.

  “And what page are we on, kid?” he asks with an edge to his voice.

  “A really good one that I’m not interested in turning.”

  “‘Cause you’re afraid of the ending?”

  “Exactly, Pax,” I tell him, my stomach sinking.

  “Don’t look so scared,” he tells me with a crooked smile. “I’m just fucking you, Jessa. That’s all. You are nothing more than the girl I’m sleeping with.�
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  He’s trying to reassure me, but I know it’s not true. I’m not just fucking him. Not even close. Shit.

  The look on his face is irritable and I don’t want to talk about what we are, so I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him. He kisses me back and eventually turns me around and clears a section of the counter, setting me on it. His hands snake up my thighs and I have to tell my hands that it’s not okay to undo his belt at the moment, so they’re clawing into his shoulders instead. His fingers are under my dress and when his thumbs caress my insides, that are usually covered by panties, but are now just covered in the wetness that Paxton’s touch produces in me, he lets out a low growl before pulling away from me. “What the hell, kid?” he mutters, his eyes wild.

  “I told you, Pax. I was thinking of you when I got dressed tonight.”

  He hoists me off the counter and grabs a hold of my hand. He pulls me down a hallway and opens the door to a bedroom, bringing me inside and locking the door behind him. He picks me up and buries his tongue in my mouth, walking me to the bed and setting me down. “You are just looking for trouble, aren’t you, beso?” he asks, unbuckling his belt.

  “I’m just trying to make things easy for you, Pax.”

  He pushes me back on the bed and hovers above me, his hands back on my thighs. I take a deep, satisfied breath as my body begins to relax. This I can handle: lust, need, wanting him inside of me. I can handle that. All that other shit outside of the physical us is scary.

  When his phone sounds, playing some old school hip hop beat, he mutters, “Shit,” before standing up and taking it out of his back pocket. “Give me a minute, beso,” he tells me with anger in his voice. I sit up and he sits next to me before answering.

  “What’s up Pops?.... What the hell are you doing?…. What are you talking about?... No, no, are you kidding me? How the hell did that happen…. Jesus, Gabriel….I don’t know, soon…No, I’m not, I wouldn’t do that to you…. Relax… Pops, I’ll take care of it, we’ll get it figured out,” Paxton’s voice is stressed out as he talks to his dad. His hand is running through his hair and his eyes are pinched closed. “Is Emilio there?…. Put him on…. What the hell, man?... Well what are you gonna do about it?.... No, I can’t……” he says, his eyes opening so he can look at me. “Yeah, I get it tío but I can’t do that right now… Soon, I’ll be home soon.” Paxton’s eyes are no longer on me which is good. I’m pretty sure the pain in my heart is clear on my face. I knew Paxton didn’t come to Chicago to stay, but the idea of him leaving me, to go back to that life full of women, makes me nauseous. My whole body suddenly feels like it’s in knots. “Watch his ass until I get there…. Later.” Paxton pushes his thumb into the phone and chucks it onto the bed before running his hands over his face.

  “Is your dad okay?” I ask him.

  “No, not really,” he mutters. “He was cool when I was home, but he’s losing his shit. I don’t know what happened to him in lockup but his mind ain’t right.”

  “Do you have to go home?” I whisper.

  He takes his hands off his face so he can look at me. “Nah, he’ll be fine. My uncle can handle it.”

  I nod at him. “If he needs you, Pax, I’ll be okay,” I tell him, fully aware that it’s a lie.

  “I’m not leaving you, beso. That’s not happening,” he says, picking me up and throwing me on the middle of the bed.

  I manage to smile at him, but I don’t feel it. I feel melancholy. The emotions running through my body are too strong and too painful. I don’t like it.

  “Hey,” he says, turning my face to look at him. “Don’t look so sad, beso. It’s under control. I’m not going anywhere,” he tells me before taking my lips in his.

  I kiss him back, trying to lose myself in him, which has never been a problem until now. Emotions… they totally suck.

  “Come on, beso,” Pax urges, he can feel the hesitation in my body.

  I let my hands wander around his body, closing my eyes and opening my mouth. When his hands make their way between my thighs and he runs is fingers over me, my need for him takes over my fear of us.

  By the time we roll out of the party Paxton is about as drunk as I’ve ever seen him and I’m not much better. I attempted to drink away the worry that lingered in my brain all night after we left the bedroom. And it helped. Paxton’s constant hands on me helped more. But with each new person from Paxton’s past that I was introduced to, the relationship questions came up. Every time someone called me his girlfriend, or him my boyfriend, the anxiety would grow inside of me. Partly because I liked it. I wanted people to know that he’s mine and I’m is. And partly because deep inside of me the fear of getting my heart broken when it came time for him to move on was growing.

  We stumble into the apartment and Pax has his hands and mouth all over me. He gets me as far as the couch before ripping my dress off and a few second later I have him naked and under me. I straddle him and grind my hips into his. Paxton has had me in all kinds of positions, but he’s always the one in control. He’s the one that knows how to work me over properly, but under his very capable hands, I’m pretty sure I have learned a few things myself and tonight, I’m feeling the need to regain some control. “Condom,” I tell him, holding my hand out.

  He reaches over to his pants and pulls one out of his pocket, preparing to tear it open, but I take it out of his hand and do it myself. “Taking charge, huh kid?”

  I roll the condom, slowly down his long shaft. “Tonight, baby, you are mine,” I tell him.

  “Hell yeah, beso,” he says, watching my hands closely. “You can have me.”

  I run myself up and down him before grabbing onto him and guiding him inside of me and sitting down all the way. “Shit,” Paxton mutters, grabbing a hold of my hips. I take his hands off of me and bring them above his head, holding them against the wall behind the couch. “That’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” He laughs.

  “Yes, Pax. I am fucking you,” I tell him, circling my hips, feeling him pressed up against every inch of my walls. I move up and down, knowing now, what my body needs.

  “Damn it, beso,” he mutters and I smile.

  I keep moving on top of him, enjoying the pleasure that is very present on Paxton’s face. I watch his face like he always watches mine and when it’s clear I’m doing something that makes him feel especially good, I keep it up. The sounds coming out of our mouths become more and more intense and I feel myself growing weak. I have to let go of his hands so I can hold myself up. I put my hands behind me, wrapping them around his thighs and thrust myself into him. Paxton’s hands are clasped above his head now and his face looks agonized. I know he’s close and I’m not going to last much longer. “Come for me, Pax,” I tell him.

  “Jessa… I will do anything for you,” he groans.

  The waves of my orgasm are taking over me and all of my muscles are going weak. “Help me, Pax,” I manage to utter.

  His hands move to my hips and he guides me around him, yelling out obscenities until I fall apart completely before collapsing onto his chest. I take in few much needed breaths. “Shit, that was not easy,” I breathe.

  Paxton laughs, “You did a damn good job fucking me, beso. Too good, in fact. Maybe you don’t even need me anymore.”

  Ha, I laugh internally. He’s so far off the mark it’s depressing. I sit up and look into his eyes, grabbing a hold of his chin. “What you do to me… no one else will ever be able to do.”

  “That’s right,” he tells me through hooded eyes. “Because there’s not gonna be no one else. It’s me beso, that’s all you get.”

  My heart is beating out of my chest at Paxton’s words. I can feel my face go slack as I look at him. Paxton laughs. “Get over it, Jessa. I fucking love you. And you fucking love me too and we’re done with this stupid fuck buddies bullshit. I’m your boy and you’re my girl and I’m not letting anyone else have you – ever. So deal with it. That’s the way it’s going to be.”

  Chapter 19 - Paxton
/>   My head is pounding when I wake up. I hit it way too hard last night. Thank God it’s Saturday and Jessa doesn’t have to go nowhere cause I’m pretty sure I’m not leaving this bed for the rest of the day. Which is fine. I can manage laying here as long as she’s in my arms. I blindly reach out my hand to pull her to me but she’s not there. “Jessa,” I yell out. I need her back in bed with me. “Jessa Lillian Fairfield, where the hell are you?”

  The door opens and Jessa is standing in it looking sexy as hell in her matching little sleep shorts and tank top. “What the hell are you screaming about?”

  “Why did I wake up alone?”

  Jessa shakes her head like it’s a perplexing question and then diverts her eyes from me. “I have a study group. I had to get up.” She walks to the closet and snatches out her clothes and grabs her messenger bag.

  I’m sitting up now, trying to clear the fog from my brain. “You can’t leave me, beso, not today.”

  “I have to, Pax. You’ll survive.”

  “Get your ass over here, Jess. Give me five minutes.”

  She stops in front of the bed and looks down at me. “I can’t, Pax,” she tells me and her voice is way too fucking serious.

  “What’s your problem?”

  She pauses at the doorway and just looks at me, then shakes her head again. “I just have a lot of shit running through my head.” She leaves and a minute later I hear the water running in the shower.

  I get up too because I’m not gonna be able to go back to sleep after that. What’s up with her? I pull on my sweats and head to the kitchen. I’m mentally flipping through images of last night. It was good. We didn’t fight. I can see her smile and hear her laughter, although things are a little fuzzy towards the end of the night. When we left Billy’s things were good. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. We had amazing sex. Not to be an arrogant prick, but she looked deliriously happy after she got herself off on me.